When I decided to leave the church, it was one of the most liberating things I have ever done for myself. I feel more confident, aware and fully alive than I ever did as a member of the church. When I realized and accepted that I truly believed the church was phony and could no longer pretend to be a follower I was shocked. I wasn't sure what to do. A flood of emotions hit me. I couldn't discuss it without tearing up. I hated it. I felt so many emotions; Anger for all the years wasted and lied to, fear for what would happen to my relationships, joy for this new found freedom of thought and excitement for the journey ahead. But of course the fear was what made me the most emotional.
I was born and raised LDS. All of my family belongs to the church and those that had gone "astray" in the past had never been received with open arms. Was I ready to be an outcast and take on all the consequences of leaving the one true church? The answer was no. I didn't tell anyone in my family for months after I had left the church. Part of me felt that it wasn't really their business. What was I supposed to do, call everyone together and say "I know we don't usually even talk about religion (or anything important non the less) but I just wanted to let everyone know that I think it is all phony bologna." No, we started slow, leaving the coffee maker out, wearing clearly ungarment friendly clothing, small things. One day my mom was visiting from Idaho (this wasn't the first time since our lifestyle change), I went down stairs to give her a wake up call and she had worked up the guts to ask me what was going on. I had wanted to tell her but wasn't sure this was the best timing. I tried to play it off at first but then I broke down and spilled the beans. I was more emotional about it than I wanted to be. I knew that would be ammunition against me. I was always very steadfast in my beliefs during my youth and my mom had a hard time understanding how I could go from that level of dedication to complete dismissal of the church. Didn't I have a testimony all that time? The best way I could explain was that I had always thought I did, but I realized that it had been a borrowed testimony. When I left home that testimony got smaller and smaller until I realized that it was not my own. When I had to start building my own testimony, my reasoning skills kept getting in the way. So I faked it.
It felt really good to get it out and be completely upfront and honest with her, I hadn't had this kind of discussion with her for many years. She surprised me and took it very well. She told me that she loved me no matter what I believed. What I didn't realize was what would come after this. See, when you tell my mother something, you better prepare for it to be public information. Not just an if you ask she will tell...no,no,no...she has a very aggressive marketing scheme. My mom went home and called every sibling to tell them the news, even my father (her ex). I felt a little betrayed. This was sensitive info, I knew that not everyone would take it well, especially coming from anyone else but me. The other part of me was very relieved that it was out in the open and I cold move on and start being myself, enjoying this new found freedom.
Over this past year I have had the opportunity to have a few discussions with my family members, most of them don't ask why- I think they are afraid that it would shake their faith, but they have let me know that they weep for me, that they love me, that they don't understand how I could have changed so much. The only encouragement that I can offer them is that people change and that change is good. We need to evolve and learn continuously. Of course I am not that same girl that I was when I left home at the age of 17. What I don't get is that they see that as a bad thing. I am proud to say that I have used my constant aging as an opportunity to learn and grow. I feel that I have evolved into a better human being. I had to ask my mom to stop putting my name in the temple to be prayed for. I really think that she just stopped telling me about it. I don't need your prayers people...I need you to take a step back and look at your belief system. Ask yourself if it is purely based off of faith and doctrines that have been stuffed down your throat since you entered this world. Now ask yourself, if those beliefs were to be challenged with logic and scientific process, would it withstand that test? Don't feel pity for me. Don't extend your unconditional love.
Do me a favor, think about yourself and your beliefs for a minute and allow yourself the selfish love that it takes to study your beliefs and really find out if they are true. I am not saying fake that warm fuzzy feeling that you have been peer pressured into, no, I am talking about really studying that doctrines that you currently hold as true and see if they still have moral and factual standing in the least. I promise you that if you really study those beliefs that you will be shocked and will not be able to claim your faith any longer and when that day comes, I will be there for you, because I love you.
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