Nord of the North

Written With Love

My mom and two younger sisters came to visit me recently. We had a lovely time “girling” out; shopping, chick flicks, junk food, flower gardens and scrap booking. A topic that was hesitantly brought up during this time was regarding my relationship with my older sister. As I have shared in a previous post, there has been some recent dishevel and we aren’t really on talking terms right now (though the invitation has been issued). My Mom felt like it was time for her to step in and ask for peace. The only problem for me was that I didn’t feel like I was the one that went to war or assaulted anyone. I didn’t feel like I had a white flag to rise. We had a very long discussion, mostly my mom sharing examples and experiences about family members fighting and creating rifts in families. After the long discussion, she still had more to say. She wrote me the following letter that I found when I came home from work the next day.

My Dear Precious Girl Coz,

Oh how I love you! Thank you & Luke for having us and the wonderful time! Thank you for the talk and listening and I guess I am not done – You know I don’t think we always think thru how our decisions ripple and affect others – I know you get to experience some of that in your choice. Learning to respect & accept one another are big things.

I know that you knew when you put Christ smoking on your site that it would offend some people, even some of your family, but you did it anyway. Our love for God runs deep and it’s not to be trivaled with. Whether you believe in God and Christ or not. None of us has the right to stand in judgment of each other. Whether we live in hypocrisy (by whose standards) or judgment – it doesn’t work – blaming and anger don’t have a place and shouldn’t in our lives. Loving one another in spite of what each may do is all that matters. Loving each other more than anything we each could do to hurt one another.

Communication is the key. Sitting back and not talking isn’t the answer. Men and women live and die misunderstood. We don’t want this in our family. You deserve to share your story, your ups & downs thru your choice so we can support and love you.

NO ONE enjoys being misunderstood or taken for granted. We don’t know where we each are unless we talk. We each need to learn best how to express our feelings without attacking each other – yes we each have our own paths. We each deserve to learn from one another and tear down walls, not put them up. You and Luke have a lot to offer and teach our family. I love you so very much. We each get to realize that there are areas in each of our lives and choices that we need to RESPECT!

We live in an imperfect world, where we are often all too human. Pain from words said can’t be taken back – but we all can allow the wounds to heal – learn from our mistakes and move forward having a brighter tomorrow.

I love you.

Love, Mom

This letter was hard for me to consume. It made me angry at first. Knowing my mom though, I knew it was written with love and passion for her family. Per her suggestion to share my story, I decided to start posting on my blog again. I hope to share more about my feelings and knowledge about the untruths of religion and how it has affected me personally. If anything, this is a place where I can vent, but also where I can articulate and share my knowledge.

Arguing with Idiots

As Cozette has been the primary blogger on the blog... I thought I would finally add to it.

This is a facebook thread I have been posting on as of late. I fully understand that I am one of the idiots in this thread. Arguing with people online is like yelling at the wall.

Enjoy.

Jello Shots and Jesus

Several months ago I posted some things on FB that ended up offending a good amount of people. I didn't post on FB with the intention to make anyone feel personally attacked. I was mocking an idea and not the people that believe it. Anyhow... what I wasn't expecting was for one particular person that I care very much for to blow this out of proportion. So I have been think about this and worrying about it for almost 2 months now and I figured that the best way to get it out of my system would be to write about it. So here it is, the pictures that started it all. I have to share 2 pictures because one was used to inadvertently complain about the other. Let me just say, that if you want to get a point across, it is better to be direct.

I am sure you can guess which picture offended people, but the picture that my sister used to lash out about it was the Jello shot...I was confused too.

I am going to share part of the thread that was posted on the jello shot.

Amanda Anderson Mickelsen: What does it mean to show respect? You guys want it, do you give it to others?

Luke Stoddard: Amanda...what? How is showing a hello shot disrespectful to you?

Amanda Anderson Mickelsen: You know what I am talking about. Its not the drinking its the disregard for my religion.

Luke Stoddard: so you can post all the religious stuff you want and talk about it openly around us, but when we post stuff that is anti religious it is wrong and disrespectful? Seems hypocritical to me.

Sent directly to my email...

Amanda Anderson Mickelsen:

I'm sorry I'm a hypocrite, I will be honest with you. I hate what you've become I hate the man you married and I'm done pretending that it doesn't make me sad or hurt inside. I've never forced my religion on you or even posted religious stuff. I believe in god and I don't like being disrespected and having to respect your choices. You can hate me shun me delete me never see me again. All you need to know is that I loved you and when respect can be established again we'll go from there. Congratulations Luke you won I have no more fight in me.

Cozette Stoddard:

Amanda,

I am sorry to hear that you are so disgusted by the person that I am. Leaving the church was not an easy decision for me, but I had to be true to myself no matter what it would cost. I try the best to live my life with moral truth and integrity and seek out reason and knowledge. Why is that so disgusting to you? I don’t understand why you hate Luke so much. He has supported and loved me through all of my choices. Luke has never forced me to do anything that I didn’t want to do. He has stood by me and encouraged me to make my own decisions and be the person that I want to be. I find it very hurtful and disrespectful that you and others in the family would imply that I don’t have a mind of my own and am under the complete control of the “Evil Luke.” I realize that you don’t understand my choices and that the implication of those choices might sadden you based on your religious beliefs. What I need you to understand is that I didn’t set out to rebel against and hurt the people that I love, nor are my actions in any way meant to be taken as a direct attack on you or any other individual.
I love you deeply, I want to be a part of your life, but if the stipulation for that is that I have to believe the exact same things that you do, then I am not sure that we will be able to be a part of each other’s lives.
I respect your right to believe what you want, express it as you deem necessary and disagree with my individual choices. One of the great things about life is that we are not all the same. There is great diversity all around, I cherish that. I also cherish my freedom to express myself. Face book is a space where I can express myself; I have not used it to commence personal attacks on anyone. I do want to encourage other people to challenge themselves and their way of thinking but I have never had the intention of forcing my own doctrines on anyone else.
I hope that you don’t allow this incident to destroy our friendship or make you feel that you can’t participate in FB because of your evil sister. I will not be offended if you block me, that way you can still interact with your friends that have the same values that you do.
We don’t see eye to eye when it comes to religion. I had always thought that would be okay because my family would love me unconditionally and could see that I am still a good person. I am sorry if I have misjudged you or anyone else. I am still planning to go to the family reunion but if my presence will be insulting to you I will stay away. Your call.
With love,
Cozette

Amanda Anderson Mickelsen:

Cozette- I have always respected your desire not to be part of the church anymore. thats fine. what I have a hard time with and I think others do is that you disrescpect our God and bash our religion constantly on FB. and I have ignored stuff over and over agan.Yes this is a free country and you have a right to express yourself. But I have a right not to feel religious persecution for what I do believe in. yes I feel disrespected. I have never riduculed you for your drinking smoking and new life style. How would I persecute you for you disbelief? voice my belief and be mocked? My way of life is something that you look down on because you think that I haven't thought things out struggled and persevered with a faith that strengthens me
and that thru it all I still believe in? Many of the things you post as statements you know will be offensive to others, does the picture on that screen represent you? Is that you? Because a picture of christ smoking is a picture stating hypocrisy. are you a saint smoking? so damn proud of your decisions! I have kept quiet, bit my tongue, tried to not let it bother me but I have integrity in what I believe, I am true to myself. I dont need to rebell in what I believe to be true to be myself. I respect that you have a mind of your own, you stubborn ox, you're so smart and know so much, you've been successful in life. Are you happy. What do you have going for you? what do you have to look forward to? addiction, money and parties? Yeah how long will it last? Luke has always tried to make distance in this family and you get it more and more. does the distance the seclusion help anyone? I once had a sister that I could talk to share with, cry with, do more than shop with. I dont know where that sisterhood went, you will always be my sister but I moarn your loss because we aren't there for each other anymore. I love you and I will always love you unconditionally!!!! but I dont want to feel belittled, judged and disrespected over and over again. Yes I know I've judged you, I have judged the distance I need to keep from you so that I dont offend you, I have judged how you act towards me and members of the family. I have watched as the smug smiles cross your face as you think of us as less than you. Judge me now.... I am imperfect. I am a believer in God and Christ. I am a strong person and stand for what I believe in. I am a sister that will always have an opinion and will never know everything. I am not a money driven person but I help provide for my own and I will always struggle. I am sick of feeling like I am the one persecuting you for your belief, the truth is I dont have to because your feelings of guilt are the only things that have ever persecuted you. I love you and hope you do have the strength to face our family face to face and tell us with no guile that you respect our choices and still love us and that you hope that we can do the same. You have never stood up to us and said I have made this decision I accept the consequences and I hope that you can love, support and respect my wishes.

With all my heart I hope love, unity and respect can be a part of our relationship. I will stop making calls and make my stand.

Sincerely-

Amanda Mickelsen

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and that is it. I never responded to this email. It was quite the tongue lashing, I was hurt and didn't want to lash back in anger. I am not sharing this experience to belittle my sister, but I needed to put it out there so that I can move on. I have more to share on this story, but that will be shared in another post. This experience has reminded me that we don't always know the affect we have on other people. I have been hesitant to talk to my family about my life change and it seems that has allowed for backtalk, assumptions and anger to brood. I apologize for that, not my choice.

To be continued...

Natural Desire

I recently had the opportunity to visit Singapore on a work assignment. January is monsoon season so there was a lot of rain. Luckily there was also quite a bit of sunshine between the rain showers and even with the rain it never got below 70 degrees. I loved the warmth and would have held all of our meetings outside if I could have. The weekend that I spent there I went out with my colleague Stephanie (from Oxford England). We took a bus tour of the city on a double decker open top bus and had them drop us off in China town. I have to say that China town was one of my favorite places. I loved all the color from the many street vendors and the hustle and bustle of so many people. It felt like I was transported directly to China! They had a huge mall that you could barely walk through because it was so jam packed with vendors and people. On the basement level they had the food markets with fresh vegetables, fruits of all kinds and loads of stinky fish! I loved the fruit market; it was very colorful and smelled really good. We bought some dragon fruit to sample and share with the team. It was pretty good but was a little bland for such a vibrant colored fruit. While in China town we were also able to visit the Buddha Tooth Relic Temple (the biggest temple in Singapore and dedicated to Maitreya Buddha.) As you entered the courtyard there was a huge pot with burning incense to use for prayer inside the temple. They also gave out shawls to cover our shoulders and show respect inside the temple. It was humbling to see the many worshipers pouring out their hearts in prayer as they laid offerings at the feet of the enormous statue of Maitreya. From a humanitarian view point I am always trying to understand more about the human condition and the need in many of the world’s societies to worship and believe in a higher power or deity. While I can understand the natural need that people have to feel like they are not alone in this universe and to feel that there is a sense of purpose, I don’t understand why so many people feel that the only place to find that is in religion. If you take a step back and look at the many people that surround you and the richness of opportunities open to you, you will never feel alone or purposeless.

This topic came up in discussion with my husband as we debated whether or not this really is a "natural" desire or not. Though we do not have a scientific answer to this question, we cannot help but to come to the conclusion (at this early point in our study) that naturally most people cannot comprehend how such a complex world could come about if not orchestrated by some great and powerful source. For me, the more that I have studied science and the origins of life, the more I appreciate the randomness and chaos of it all. This is a rich and exciting world that we live in. I am constantly amazed by the beauty around me and it gives me great joy and excitement to know that there is still so much for me to experience!

The High Price of Freedom

Resigning your membership and taking your name off the church records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is no laughing matter. The price for this choice may be high. It also has the disadvantage that you may feel suddenly alone and alienated from your cultural roots. Many people are not prepared sufficiently to deal with this unexpected emotional void. The reason that I have made this choice is not due to insult or injury, not to rebel, but after much deliberate and conscience study I have discerned for myself that the LDS faith (nor any religion for that matter) is not for me.

I am free. Free as I have never been free before. I am now confident that those who remain close to me truly love me and not just because they are supposed to love me. Now there is nothing holding me back from determining my own destiny and finding my own path through life.

"To my mind, a kind of mild-to-severe schizophrenia results from trying to keep one foot in and one foot out of an authoritarian church or belief system. A person, like a nation, cannot long exist half-slave and half-free. If we nibble at the fruit of the tree of knowledge but still cling to the security of Authority, we are caught in the impossible position of trying to take a journey and stay home at the same time." - Hymns to an unknown God, p. 102, New York: Bantam Books

The church does not make it easy for members to leave. Its attitude is that it knows better than you do what you need to be saved and it wants to protect you against yourself.

Thank you for your “genuine” concern.

Most people believe that I am going through a phase, that I am bending to Satan’s temptations and that I am committing eternal suicide. To this I must say that I have not taken this decision lightly. I have wept many a night thinking of the possible relationships that could be lost because of this choice. I have been torn about staying true to family tradition and values. I respect my history and my family. I love them all dearly and am grateful for the experiences that I have with them. I do not wish for one moment to sever any relationships. What it comes down to is that I must be true to myself. I have studied church teachings and can no longer with honesty, integrity and respect for myself claim relationship with the church.

I have found that there are several basic issues of Mormon doctrine, history and practice, including:

--the historicity of the Book of Mormon and the Book of Abraham;

--the “translation” of the fraudulent Kinderhook Plates;

--the Masonic origins of the Mormon temple ceremony;

--the rewriting and altering of LDS Church history;

--the question of consistency within Mormon doctrines;

--the racist and sexist teachings of Mormon scripture; and

--the reversal and denial of official Mormon teachings

The more I have studied in these areas, the more I have developed an intellectual resistance to, and eventual disbelief in, bedrock Mormon claims.

I have started the process of resigning from the church – officially. I must free myself from this chapter in my life and allow myself to proceed with life anew. Hopefully in a few short months I can say…it's over, done, finis, schluss jetzt, end of story, that's all she wrote.